It took me a long time to admit and accept that I crave love. I was used to thinking I should not, because I have enough. And that it’s somehow very wrong to be so “needy”.
I took me even longer to accept it’s ok. It’s part of me. It’s who I am. Some people are loners. Some people thrive in crowds. Some are more introverts, some more extroverts. Some want lots of hugs, others not. All of that is all right – and so is me craving love.
It took me even longer to accept that I cannot change that part of me. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to stop hoping. Or dreaming. I’ve failed again and again. Because it’s who I am. Not all I am. But part of who I am.
It is ironic how it was almost easier to accept dark parts of me. The anger that sometimes lifts it’s head. The self-destructive tendencies I have. The insecurities I carry. The fears. The destruction I can cause. The strength that can become too much. The weakness too. It was hard to admit that all that is part of me too – especially anger and destruction. To admit and accept it is actually harder that to tame it, I’ve learned. But in the end I’ve accepted that parts too. I do not allow them to take over. But I know they are part of me, and we work.
Now I’m learning to accept the loneliness I feel. To accept and no longer fight it. To accept and live with it. Parts of me will probably forever hope, but I’m learning to embrace it nevertheless. For me that’s the next step of accepting myself.
I must allow myself to feel. Yes, I must allow. Because it’s just me who has the right to allow myself to feel anything and everything I feel. And even express it.
I speak and write a lot about what I feel, the emotions we label “negative”. Sadness, pain, sorrow, fear, loneliness. I do. I do not accept the society’s norms that allow expressing just “positive” emotions, and even those just as long as they are tamed, and god forbid to express anything “too much”. Well, that’s ok, if you feel like that. It’s also ok if you don’t. It should be equally ok to laugh and cry. To say you are not ok, if that’s how you feel.
That never means I think all is black, that I feel just “negative”, that I’m whining, or complaining, that I blame the world for all the misery, it doesn’t even mean I am miserable. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes I’m both at the same time. I just want to allow myself to feel it all, and (with consideration to others!) to express it.
At the same time I love people around me, appreciate them, and also admit and accept I’m lonely, because for me it’s not mutually exclusive. I can appreciate family bonds, and some kinds of friendship, and still crave different kind of connection.
Perhaps in time I’ll stop craving it. I choose not to dwell into that. Not yet, perhaps. For now I’m learning to accept my feeling and live with it. It’s enough.
Because I honestly believe the emotions we don’t face, accept, admit, express, have way more power over us that those we do. In most cases it does us no good.
Alenka H., 2023