There were many times I wanted to give up. Be it the pain of the soul or the pain of the body – it just made me too tired to want to breathe.
And I heard I should not, can not – because of others. Mainly because of two little people I brought to this world. I was told I must stay here because of them.
I love them. But it hurts so much to have to exist for the sake of others. Even if it’s for who you love the most.
Again I was told this a few days ago. That I must take care, tend to my pain, go to a doctor, allow healing, because of – others.
I refuse to believe it’s the lack of love that makes it hard to hear this. We should exist for ourselves. With others, but for ourselves. Not to be egoistic, not to think of ourselves first, not to live just for ourselves… Nothing like that. But to exist just for the sake of others is existing, not living.
Nothing is more rewarding than to give yourself to others and be appreciated for it. Yet hearing you must forget your own pain for the sake of others takes away the value of your living, the value of yourself that is not conditioned by others. In a way it leaves you an object, not a subject.
Alenka H. 2021