I’ve spent a lot of time asking for attention. For 5 minutes a day of being the One That Matters. For being valued enough, important enough. So that the other one would like time for me, just like I find time whenever I’m needed. But I was never enough.
I asked. I begged. Every time I heard the words of love and affection, but it never changed the fact that I just didn’t matter enough to be the one who deserves dedication.
It took me long to admit that those words were just that. Words. Because the actions never spoke the same.
I was told I’m too needy. That I want too much. And I believed it. I learned never to expect, never to ask.
Maybe I am too much. But I’m done asking. I’m done wanting, expecting, wishing. Maybe one day I’ll matter to someone enough to be some kind of priority. Not to be all there is. Just to be something, anything. So that I’ll get “good morning” and “goodnight” and honest “how are you” and some interest in what I do, what I feel, how I am. Not 24 hours a day. But maybe at least 5 minutes.
Maybe that will never be. But I promised myself I’ll never beg for being important to anyone anymore. I promised myself I won’t try to explain why words are not as important as actions. I promised I won’t offer all in exchange for anything, just anything.
So… Yes, I’m here. I don’t ask the same. If I have to ask, then I’m clearly not that.
Alenka H., 2021