Maybe I would fight for more,
maybe I would.
But I’m too broken, too tired,
I’m too worn out,
and all I want to do now
is sit under this tree
until it comes back to dust
and takes me with it.

I pray for the lighting
to strike once again,
this time with fire
that burns out the bones.
I know, from the ashes
a new tree will grow,
and I’ll find my peace
as food for it’s fruit.

Alenka H., 2021

So many lifetimes searching for you…

I thought that by now I have payed off my debt,

I thought I earned my absolution,

my redemption, my… life.

Another lifetime has passed

and I’m still searching for you,

each time more tired, each time more weak.

Each lifetime a day and eternity,

each life is the truth and the pain.

Each moment too much, as I’m searching for you.

Alenka H., 2023

I do not miss you.
Saying I miss you
could never describe
what I am feeling.
Missing you would never
consume me so much,
hurt me so much,
suffocate me so much,
kill me so much.
So no, I don’t miss you.
…
Do you ever miss me?

Alenka H., 2021

There is peace in surrendering,
comfort in letting go.
Numbness is blissful,
and easy, and calm.
Where there are no expectations,
no hopes, and no cries,
in absence of feelings
perhaps truth can be found.
It may not be happiness,
but that’s quite alright.
No words left to say.
In silence, at last, I can disappear.

Alenka H., 2022

The warrior in me
wanted to hate you.

But she cannot stand up anymore,
it is one wound too deep,
one scar too much.

Alenka H., 2022

Is it the truth
If I never say it out loud?
If I never confess it,
Can it be undone?
Hidden in plane sight,
With no-one to see,
Yet yearning for anyone
That would make it be.
It’s never enough,
It’s always too much,
Sweet little pain
And masked tears of fear.

Alenka H., 2021

I hear you thinking so hard, she whispered, hoping she would not scare him away.

I hear you listening to me, he answered, building a wall.

Tell me, she begged.

Okay, he gave in. What we just shared, what does it mean?

What do you want it to mean, she asked, carefully hoping.

Nothing, he answered, shielding and hiding and backing away.

Then that’s what it was, she told him.

To her it was everything but.

Alenka H., 2023

She yelled.
I just cried.

She made us gin-tonic.
We drank.
We survived.

It isn’t a poem.
It is just life.

Alenka H., 2022

I wish I was still
that woman that met you.
At night she had stars
in her eyes.
She was the moon
to your sun
and you were a river
filling her sea.

I am no longer
that woman that you met.
The silence between us
is no longer warm.
It’s hollow and empty
and chill and it hurts.

The words are no longer our gift,
we no longer make love by their side.

I will never again be
that woman that met you.
She is lost,
to me and to you.

Alenka H., 2021-2022

Jealous whispers are telling me
if only I would be thinner, prettier, younger,
if only I would be gentle and free
you would love me.
If I’d use my make-up,
if I did my hair,
if I’d wear sexy dresses
and tempting underwear
you would love me.
If I’d cook you dinner
and iron your shirts,
if I’d let you party
and wait for you
you would love me.

Oh, stupid whispers.
You’d never love me.
I’d never be perfect enough.

Alenka H., 2022

It’s only when you sleep and dream
that I come and touch you.
I sing to you when you don’t hear it,
I trace your lines over and over again.
It’s only when you are not aware
that I come and caress your lips.
I lie by your side and smooth your dreams
and I cover your body with mine to keep you warm.

There will be time, I know,
when I won’t come again.
Each time I try to stay away
a little bit longer.

You won’t know I’ve stopped
sleeping beside you,
just as you don’t know now
that I come and share my love.

Alenka H., 2021

If I were tiny and fragile,
If I were gentle, small and vulnerable,
Maybe you would take me to your arms,
Embrace and protect me.

I’m not tiny and fragile,
I’m not gentle, small and vulnerable.
Yet still I break and I bleed,
I hurt and I fear.
I long for embrace, protection and warmth.

But I am not small, tiny and gentle…

Alenka H., 2021 (?), translation

It’s not that I don’t love you.

It’s because I love you too much
that I’ll never ask
to be anything to you

or you to me.

Alenka H., 2023

I almost want to beg you.
I almost want to ask
for you to hold me, love me,
for you to make me feel
wanted, cared for, needed.
I almost want to say
I’ll give you all I am
just to have a drop of
your affection every day.
I almost do, just almost,
I almost drop and crawl;
knowing you’d still turn me down
is the only reason why I don’t.

Alenka H., 2021-2022

Hot mouth,
blazing, scorching,
hot touches
burning my flesh
and leaving your mark.
Your tongue wrote your name
on my skin.
Now I’m yours.

Alenka H., 2023

Hope.

Anger.

Hurt.

Depression.

Sadness.

Pain.

Resignation.

Alenka H., 2023

If we cannot speak the truth,

isn’t all we have

just a lie?

Alenka H., 2023

I wanted a hug
but it didn’t want me
so it left me waiting
until I lost hope.

I needed hope
but it didn’t need me
so it left me alone
until I lost myself.

Alenka H., 2023

I remember the moments when my love died.

It was when you said you don’t care.

It was when you stayed behind.

It was when you said you don’t want to talk.

It was when you said nothing at all.

It was when you said it doesn’t matter.

It was when you said it is all my fault.

It was when I talked and you didn’t listen.

Each time a little piece died.

Alenka H., 2022

With face so young
and eyes so old
she was looking at you
wondering if you ever saw her
or did you succeed
in shutting you eyes tight
so you wouldn’t feel.

Alenka H., 2023