Words, written long ago or in the moment that just passed, carefully polished or done in a blink of an eye, while the feeling is fresh.
I’m not a poet, no. Writing is a way of healing, coping, surviving.
Some of poems were written recently, some decades ago. Many of them entered this world in my mother tongue that is quite different from English, having different structure, even some of features that don’t exist in most other languages. I do my best to translate those poems, but it can never sound the same. There are nuances of meanings, rhythm, taste… I can only hope the translation is good enough. It can never be perfect. But I’ve decided not to publish it in my mother tongue, I chose this blog instead. It will have to do.
Most of poems, if I may call them that at all, could probably be labeled as “love poems”, and yes, most of them are an expression of pain or hurt, longing, wishing, dreaming. Some are (mildly, in my opinion, but I acknowledge we have different criteria) erotic or sexual. If that is something you, Reader, find inappropriate or unwanted, you should know they are not specifically labeled or marked.
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Convince me
Convince me
that I am wrong,
that there is hope,
that dreams come true,
that love can… exist.Please.
Show me I’m wrong.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Slave
I try so hard
not to know you.
I close my mind,
I shut my heart,
I silence the blood
that screams your name.
I run and I hide,
just to come back
as I always have
and I always will.
I wait at your door,
ashamed and defeated,
a slave to my love.
Alenka H., 2021
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Come, my love
Come, come, my love,
Do not fear my warmth.
Come with the night breeze,
With wine and some bread,
Come on a wishing star,
Bring us some light.
I want to see your eyes
Sparkling beside me,
I want to taste that wine
Still on your lips.
We’ll feed the bread to the birds,
For we will be sated.
Alenka H., 2021
-
Don’t!
Don’t speak.
Do not complain.
Don’t speak.
It’s simple and plain
Don’t speak.
Just hide your pain.
Don’t speak.
You don’t have a say.
Don’t speak.
Stay out of way.
Don’t speak.
Who cares what you feel?
Don’t speak.
You’re not the only one here.
Don’t speak.
Your voice is annoying.
Don’t speak.
You don’t listen enough.
Don’t speak.
Just go away.
Don’t speak.
…
Where are you now?
Alenka H., 2023
-
Smooth voice
His smooth voice was singing
about thousand kisses.
I said to myself
“no, girl, do not cry”
so I just closed my eyes
wrapped my arms around myself
and started dancing
in my kitchen.
It was dark behind my eyelids
and it was just the song and me
and the dance was me
making love
to the thought of you.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Not telling you
There are so many things I want to say to you.
I wish to tell you how I hurt.
I want to share my silent days and lonely nights.
I want to say I’m cold and sad.
There are words and tears I want to share.
I long to tell you all my silly dreams
and how I still remember all our songs.
I want to tell you how I need someone,
I want to tell you how I miss you.
Not anyone. You.The words are caught in my throat,
bitter and sharp and sour.
They block my air and stop my heart,
they ask, demand to be said.Yet I’m silent and not telling a word.
Saying and not being listened to would hurt even more.
Alenka H., 2021
-
Drinking you
Take all away from me,
and it will preserve inside of me.
Give me the world,
and I will get nothing.When I’ll drink up all of you,
then…Maybe in inebriation I will forget
that I’m drinking poison.
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
-
What is it?
What is this between us?
Hate, friendship,
Affection, love,
Or just the passion of two bodies
Whose souls want to
Run away?
We are so close
When there are distances between us…
And so far apart, when we are
Side by side,
So we could touch…
Yet we don’t dare to.
I know why we drink together.
Because we both deny,
And only when we are drunk,
When we at least think that
The other one is drunk too,
We dare –
Touch, hug, kiss…
And more!
And then it is gone… all?
I don’t dare to break
This silence between us –
I’m too afraid
You are not denying
What I am.
Alenka H., 2005-2010, translation
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After every day
After every day
I need a day
just to get over
the day I just survived
and to gather new strength
to face another one.It’s exhausting.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Where are you, my love?
Where are you, my love?
I turned every stone,
searching for you.
It’s autumn…
Perhaps you are hiding
below piles of leafs
of colours that burn?
Maybe, when spring comes,
you will return.
Cold, lonely winter
is coming to me.
Alenka H., 2021
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I said no
You said it’s love,
and I said no.You said it’s closeness,
and I said no.You said it’s marriage,
and I said no.You said I want it,
and I said no.You stopped talking,
and I stopped saying no,it didn’t stop you anyway,
it just stopped my heart.
Alenka H., 2023
-
I miss you
Cold hands of emptiness
Are all that is hugging me
At night.
I try to imagine your kiss,
But the air is too still
And no heartbeat is near.
I look into darkness
And picture the touch
That would bring me alive.
My hand holds my hand
And I try to forget it.
I miss you so much.
Alenka H., 2021
-
Offering
There’s a price you must pay.
I said, yes, of course. I’ll give you my blood.
I don’t want your blood, she laughed.
I looked at her, wondering what more I could give. I’ll give you my soul, I offered.
Oh, my dear child, she smiled softly, your soul is already mine, and each tear you’ll pay with you’ll see: it’s not the cuts that sting, it’s the salty water that drops on them.
So I give her my tears, hoping that Goddess or Words will, once in eternity, smile to me.
Alenka H., 2022
-
I suppose
Yes, I suppose I’m quite naive.
But what could I do?
No, you never lied.
It was never your fault.
Yes, I tried to shield my heart,
but with each word you got more inside.
No, you never deceived me.
You never needed to.
Yes, I wanted too much.
More than we had.
No, I never thought I had a chance.
I just dreamed of our mornings.
Yes, I am quite foolish.
I wanted my lips to touch you as you touched my heart.
No, I don’t want to share this with you.
I could never survive you laughing at me.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Dreams
Dreams,
yes, sweet dreams,
but the sweetest of dreams
bring the most bitter morning,
after the warmest embrace
arms wake up longing.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Feel
Ssh, don’t open your eyes.
Just feel.
Feel my palm on your chest,
feel my lips on your neck.
Feel my tongue trailing down you body,
feel my hair on your stomach,
feel my hands on your thighs.
With eyes firmly shut
you can pretend it’s not me
and I can pretend
we’re making love.
Alenka H., 2022
-
Your words
Your words are so sweet,
but they taste so sour.Your whispers so charming,
yet feeling so wrong.You say that you love me,
no, darling, you don’t –It’s just words you’re saying
with actions not worth.
Alenka H., 2023
-
Only a day
Our day was becoming a night.
I wanted to ask you to go on with me,
just one more hour,
just one more step,
one more embrace.
You left our train without saying a word,
and I whispered goodbye that will never be heard.
I’ve travelled so far,
only a day by your side.
The nights are much colder now.
And I dream of you.
Alenka H., 2022
-
Don’t speak
Don’t speak.
In silence the feeling is stronger.
Don’t say the words.
They’ve awoken the hope
That should be left dormant.
Your choice spoke so loud,
Your acts screamed each time.
I don’t want the drug
Of your words.
There is truth
I must see.
Don’t make me forget it.
Don’t break me again.
Alenka H., 2021
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Just for a little while
Just for a little while
I’ll hold on to you.
I cannot let you go,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while
I want to love you,
I cannot loose you,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while
I have to have you,
I don’t want to be alone,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while…
Alenka H., 2021