Some times I considered someone a friend. Close one. I never had many, some times I had none. The ones I had, I game myself to them. When I give, I give it all. When I offer, I do it sincerely. When I say I’m here, I’m here. I was there. Some… were not.
It doesn’t really matter, not to me, if the one did it on purpose, if they were aware, or not. My feelings of being used, of being deceived, were my own. Not other-one’s fault. It was my decision to jump when they asked, to always be prepared to come, to answer when they called, listen when they talked, comfort when they hurt.
Only recently I accepted that I needed something else. A friendship where I would be equal. Where I would be listened to too. A friend that would take their time for me as I take my time for them.
But it was always my decision to give. Maybe not even decision, since I’m not sure it was always deliberate, conscious – but definitely my act.
Not long ago someone told me he tries not to expect too much, because he knows he will always care for others more than they will for him. Yes, it hurts when you see that you give more than you receive. His words, again, put things in a different perspective. Seeing a part of you in someone else makes you rethink how you see yourself. Saying the words you really mean to someone else makes you rethink the words you tell yourself.
A part of me that hurts wants to learn not to jump, not to give so much, not to believe so much, not to become so involved. I know that when I give I give too much. I know that when I let someone close, I’m here whenever, all the time, whatever they need. And yes, it hurts that I’m not the same priority.
The other part of me remembers what I said to that friend that cares “too much”, who thinks “over caring has always been a flaw of mine”: maybe you see it as weakness, as fault, as mistake. I see it as gift. As something that makes you special and wonderful. A beautiful soul. A person whose caring is to be cherished and valued and appreciated, I told him.
And I hope neither of us looses the ability to care. Even when, at the same time, I try to shield myself.
The world needs caring, love. Don’t stop.
Alenka H., 2022