Sometimes I feel like it’s all in vain. Like no matter what I do, no matter how hard I try, I cannot change things for the better.

And sometimes I feel like it’s all some kind of punishment. For what? Maybe my sins from many lifetimes ago. Maybe my choices, my deeds, thoughts, or words. Maybe… Who knows?

And most times I feel like it could never be better. Never for me.

The thing is… That thought makes it better and worse at the same time. Worse when I think of the future filled with what I already feel. Better, because when I know I could have nothing different or better or happier, then I cannot hope or dream of that.

The moments I wish things were different are way worse than then moment I accept this is it. The moments I dream are even worse. The moments I hope are the worst.

Alenka H., 2022

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