Fears, wants and regrets

Life is unpredictable. Totally.

I once read that the worst regrets are not about what we have done, but about what we have not.

When I was much much younger, I imagined how my life will be, in detail. As years passed, I learned that you can never control everything and I left those details out, but I still had some general idea of what will be, what I’ll be.

Then… Life happened. Every single time I thought I have it under control, ever time I pictured the future, an earthquake came and destroyed it all.

I thought I knew some things. I should be honest – when I was young, too young, I thought I knew it all, or at least most of it. I’m humbled now, and I admit, I actually know nothing. Whatever I thought I knew, life taught me otherwise. It showed me nothing is as it seems, nothing is fixed, nothing in the world outside me can be really controlled.

I still worry. I still think through, calculate my options… But I’m aware that even if I try to imagine every single scenario, life can show me the one I never imagined.

I can never really know what the outcome will be. I’m still not brave enough to act accordingly. I still don’t do what my heart wants.

But the only thing I now know is that that would be the best way of acting. The best way of living. All you carefully plan can be shattered to dust in a moment. And you are left with the knowledge and feeling – did you give your hear what it wanted, what it needed, for at least a heartbeat?

Or are you left with regret, empty, wondering forever, what if?

Alenka H., 2021

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