Words, written long ago or in the moment that just passed, carefully polished or done in a blink of an eye, while the feeling is fresh.
I’m not a poet, no. Writing is a way of healing, coping, surviving.
Some of poems were written recently, some decades ago. Many of them entered this world in my mother tongue that is quite different from English, having different structure, even some of features that don’t exist in most other languages. I do my best to translate those poems, but it can never sound the same. There are nuances of meanings, rhythm, taste… I can only hope the translation is good enough. It can never be perfect. But I’ve decided not to publish it in my mother tongue, I chose this blog instead. It will have to do.
Most of poems, if I may call them that at all, could probably be labeled as “love poems”, and yes, most of them are an expression of pain or hurt, longing, wishing, dreaming. Some are (mildly, in my opinion, but I acknowledge we have different criteria) erotic or sexual. If that is something you, Reader, find inappropriate or unwanted, you should know they are not specifically labeled or marked.
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In the end…
In the end, when all is naked, revealed, said,
I have only myself to blame.
I’m selling my blood for kindness,
I’m offering my limbs for affection,
Pretending it’s love, it’s mine, for me,
Pretending it’s me who you see.
As much as it hurts to be giving it all
For breadcrumbs and drops
It’s nothing compared to the shame that I feel
Knowing I’d do it again.
Alenka H., 2021
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I’m hugging my pillow
I’m hugging my pillow,
wishing it would hug me back.
My cold feet are tangled in sheets,
and my hot center has no-one to warm.
Every night I ask for a dream
that would guide you to me.
Even if I don’t deserve you,
I ask gods to answer my prayers.
I’m too young to give up
and too old to hope.
Alenka H., 2021
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Pillow
Her hair
loosely tied
today I know their softness
a touch to forget
the distance.My hair
loosely tied
his fingers so gentle
a touch to forget
the distance.
Alenka H., 2023
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Sun’s angels
I stand by the window,
hugging my mug.
It’s still cold outside
and I’m still cold inside.I’m watching the sun rise,
I’m watching it’s angels
being send through the sky,
being send out to warm all.I used to be greeted,
I used to be hugged.
Now they pass me by
as if I’m not even here.And I know – I am tainted,
I know I have sinned,
I know I’ve done too much
and not nearly enough.
Alenka H., 2022
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Loving
I was blamed for loving,
blamed for loving too much,
then for not loving enough
and not loving at all.But you cannot blame
the sun for shining
in the middle of day
or for it’s absence
when it is night.
Alenka H., 2023
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It’s a dark, lonely evening
It’s a dark, lonely evening
with nothing to do,
so on this lonely evening
I’m thinking of you.I hope you are happy.
But I know you are not,
for a person that’s happy
is never that cold.
Alenka H., 2023
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Never said
I heard every word
that you never said.I heard it, it felt it,
I licked and smelled it,
I tasted every and each word
that you never said.Every syllable, every vowel,
every letter tasted like you,
raw, uninhibited, opened
You.I swallowed them all, the words
that you never said.But because I respect your silence
I never mentioned
what you never speak about.
Alenka H., 2023
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I heard knocking
I heard knocking at my door,
went into the hallway
and turned the key,
promising myself
I’ll open the door
for the last time now.You surprised me,
standing there
asking to come in.I allowed it.
Now my room is empty
and I have a promise to keep.
Alenka H., 2023
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See!
See! I said to my heart. I knew we will end up in tears.
It smiled watery smile. Yes, but we loved! It was worth it.
Alenka H., 2023
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Do not believe
Do not believe them, my love.
Do not believe, when they say
they didn’t know.
They knew every time that you broke,
each time that you could not breathe,
they were aware of each hurt
and each pain you felt.Do not believe them
that they didn’t see.
They saw every teardrop,
they observed every scar.
Each time you collapsed,
when you struggled, they saw.Do not believe their excuses,
that they didn’t hear.
They heard all your silences,
they heard all your screams,
they heard when you sang as a prayer,
they heard when you begged.
Do not believe them, my love.One day those lies will matter no more.
Alenka H., 2023
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Perhaps, in a lifetime
Perhaps, in a lifetime,
we’ll meet again.
You’ll say that I look fine,
I’ll say you’re too kind.
I’ll ask if your happy,
you’ll say we all try.
I’ll try not to see it,
and you’ll try to hide
the longing between us,
remaining through time.
I’ll ask about your life,
you’ll ask about mine,
us both saying casual
“Oh, it’s quite all right.”
You’ll tell me you’re married,
I’ll say I have kids,
and we’ll both be so careful
not to admit
how we wanted these years
to spend side by side.
Perhaps, in a lifetime,
we’ll get to pass by,
merely as strangers
whose hearts have both died.
Alenka H., 2021-2022
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I hope one day
I hope one day
I will be your poem.
You are mine today.
Alenka H., 2022
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Drinking wine
In a time long long ago
in a land far far away
fairytales still lived.And a little girl believed
in dragons and in magic and in… love.Times have changed.
Rivers carried years to the sea
and stars were born and turned to dust.
Dragons died, fairies flew away.
Princes now wear shields
just to hide behind them.
Heroes are too tired to save anyone.Magic has vanished.
And the girl?
She’s a woman
who reads sad love poems,
drinks wine
and pretends she never believed anyway.
Alenka H., 2023
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Frozen
My fingers were frozen,
but not as much as his heart.
Alenka H., 2023
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Like a taste of salt in the wind
You knew I was coming
long before we first met.
My promise was there
like a taste of salt in the wind,
unmistakable and undeniable.
Now I’m here and you’re playing on my strings
the sweetest song that has ever been played.
Alenka H., 2023
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Unlove
I taught you how to love,
when you thought you’d never again.When I thought my love was forever
you showed me I can unlove as well.I surprised you by being
far better student than you.
Alenka H., 2023
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Sun
Sun were strolling over me…
And that drop, with which I wished to extinguish you…
That drop, me, from me –
and you shone again.
You woke my dreams
with your burning, sticky rays
that ripen me.Sun, I’ll stroll over you,
I’ll drink you up, I’ll take you.
Now you’ve taken me…
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
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He is not beside you
So many tears…
with nothing left to wash away.
Nobody wants them,
my tears –
but I cannot carry them anymore.It hurts too much.
I don’t want to wake up anymore.
Not alone, without you,
to give you my tears.I woke up –
and my first thought was:
it’s not worth it. He is not beside you.
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
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Regret
He asked
if I regret it.But I could never regret
making love one more time!
Alenka H., 2023
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One day
Beneath all the ashes
there’s still spark of life.My water is burning
in hidden depths.I allowed suffocation
again and again.It is time that I rise,
that I fly and I dare.Perhaps not today.
Maybe not even tomorrow.
But one day. One day.
Alenka H., 2023