So many fears we have are just a fear of unknown.

Once you understand you are far more resilient than you ever thought you were, you stop fearing unknown.

But unfortunately that doesn’t mean you are never afraid anymore.

Sometimes, suddenly, a new fear arises. No longer fear of unknown, but fear that what you know now will forever be all you will know. No longer afraid of the change, but that this is it. That this is all.

And the fear of the known becomes more crippling than the fear of unknown ever was.

Alenka H., 2023

A while ago I wrote about The beauty of Two, the feature of my language that allows me to express the intimacy of being a part of pair. It seems only appropriate that today I honour another beauty, the beauty of Her.

Sail with me is one of the poems that were written years ago. Decades ago, actually. You could never guess that both me and the beloved are – Woman. With no pronouns, no names, if you read it in my language, you see it in the nouns. Beloved in English could be him or her, ljuba is her. The one that poured into her could be him or her, prelila could only be done by female. How beautiful, inspiring it is to be able to express it!

How powerful it is that I can express myself as female! Reading my poems in English most of the time the author could be him or her. In my language my gender shows in verbs or pronouns I use (to be completely truthful, not in all cases, and explaining when and how is something I could never do satisfactory, since I am no linguist). I miss that in English. I cherish it in my language. Not to compare the two languages in a competition, not to think English is any less. But being used to know Her in words, and knowing I can be Her… How could I not think my words lack something when translated and the gender is suddenly lost?

It is beautiful that I can say midva and it is clear that I’m talking about you and me, the Two of us. And it is beautiful that if I say midve, the Two of us is not two men or a man and a woman. It is two Women. Another jewel of my language. The beauty of Her.

Alenka H., 2022

There is something special I want to share today. A special thanks to two persons. One is Her, my mother. The other is my Whale. I thank them both for making me feel cherished and loved.

Much younger me could not understand depression. Older me understands it all too well. And only now I understand that sometimes depression becomes so familiar it’s hard to distinguish it from what is “just” a deep sadness.

As it got harder and harder, I thought maybe the cloud of depression got bigger again and that that’s the reason I can’t see the sun. So I tried helping myself in ways I’ve learned since I’ve first met it. More than a decade of experience gave me many tools. As there is not one way to help every person who faces depression, there is also not one way that helps one person every time. Sometimes it works, sometimes not. Sometimes it does miracles, sometimes it barely helps you survive. Sometimes it makes you feel even worse. Sometimes it’s the combination you never tried before that does the trick. And you find new ways, discard the old ones…

Yes, I tried.

Until I suddenly I realized that what makes it so hard this time is that it’s not depression that is holding me down. It’s just a deep deep sadness, feeling of loneliness and being tired, so tired every breath is a struggle.

Does that make a difference? Yes, it does.

Depression is a serious thing. I never like it when people use the term easily, in most cases to “self-diagnose”. I’m not saying others know better than you do how you feel. But if every sadness or even being in a bad mood for a few hours is labeled as depression, then it’s easier to dismiss the seriousness of depression when people really suffer it. So please, do not speak about depression so easily, so quickly, so mindlessly.

I’m also not trying to diminish the significance or heaviness of sadness. Or the pain it brings. It’s never about what is more and what is less – it is just about recognizing the difference.

I’m not suddenly feeling better or happier or lighter – I just know what I’m facing, and that knowing helps me. Like writing a proper address on a letter if you want it to reach the right person, knowing what you are facing helps you deal with it. Now I can look in the face of my pain and help myself (hopefully). If I know I’m tired, I can rest a bit more. If I know I’m feeling lonely and why this loneliness hurt so much, I can learn how to accept it. And if I know where the sadness comes from, I can try to find ways to change it.

I don’t really like the saying about “fighting your demons”, partially because it’s not always about fighting, partially because it implies that something inside us is evil. So, no, it’s not evil, and no, it’s not necessarily fighting, but perhaps it is that you cannot face the demons if you don’t look at their faces, know what they are and acknowledge their meaning.

And try. That’s the most anyone can ask of us. Even ourselves.

Alenka H., 2023