If I would be brave,
I would tell you I need you,
I need you, not some day,
I need you today.
If I would be brave,
I would ask you to hold me,
To hold me, not later,
To hold me right now.
If I would be brave,
I would ask for your comfort,
Your comfort, not distance,
Your comfort right here.
If I would be brave
I would tell you I’m hurting.
I’m hurting, I’m dying.
I am not brave.

Alenka H., 2021

I sense your departure in your smile.

It smells like the first autumn rain,

like the first winter frost.

It sounds like the war drums,

like the funeral trumpet.

And I know I cannot make you stay.

Not matter how hard I try to stop the water,

the river will always flow to the sea.

No matter how hard I squeeze my eyelids,

the morning will always come.

And I know I don’t want to make you stay.

Birds have to fly to the south

to stay warm.

Leaves have to fall from trees

to nurture the roots with new soil.

And you have to go.

Alenka H., 2023

You were not the first one, were not the last one,
but somewhere in between… you still are.
You see, this is not poetry –
no, this is a letter to you,
you, whom I feel tonight
as I have for only a brief moment.
With my tears
all the love I cannot give to you
is pouring into universe.
To you that I’m hiding
to keep at least what I have.
It hurts, the part of me
that is you – it hurts so much I cannot breathe.
I wasn’t more sincere with anyone,
yet I didn’t hide more from anyone either.
I was travelling across the shores of love
that could not be stronger,
I’ve crossed the seas of passion…
but still, somewhere in between… you still are.
I’ve told you as I haven’t to anyone before,
but I haven’t told you what was true the most.
If you’d ask me, I might even deny it.
I might. But I know you never will.
I can barely remember, how…
I’m lying. Maybe I don’t remember,
but through all days and nights
I still feel
that fleeting moment of you…
Maybe we never were
and I don’t want to believe we will never be,
but somewhere in between… you still are.
You are still in my days and nights,
yours are still my tears and my laughter,
my pain and my joy…
I’m still yours.

Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation

I loved you in silence,

I loved without fear.

I loved you from distance,

I loved you when near.

I loved you with fire,

I loved you like flame.

I loved with desire

that I could not tame.

I loved you so deeply.

I loved you so slow.

I loved you completely.

I loved like a wow.

I loved you in daylight,

I loved you at night.

I loved you as sun bright,

I loved without fight.

I loved you as loudly

as lion would roar;

I loved you as freely

as eagle would soar.

I loved you and loved you

and loved you some more.

I loved you, and now

I don’t love anymore.

Alenka H., 2023

Some of them laughed.
All of them hurt.
None of them cried.

It is too hard to cry
when every day
someone beside you
might die.

Dedicated to everyone I met at hospitals I stayed at – all the patients that each in their own way faced pain, fear and hope.

Alenka H., 2022

If I try hard enough
I can still feel the breeze of your breath
On my heart.
Only with closed eyes
I can hear
Your touches gliding over me,
Luring the song from my body,
The song with no words, of pure silence,
The only song pure enough
To be sung for you.

Alenka H., 2021

Today sun is shining,
but my eyes see no light.
Darkness is covering
every breath of my world.
I want to call out
for someone to help,
but my voice doesn’t carry,
it dies on my lips.
The loudest of screams
are silent and deaf.

Alenka H., 2022

I’d touch you… Explore you… Draw my fingers over you… Feel every inch. Slowly, gently, and fast and strong. With fingers in your hair… Your eyes, your cheeks. With my lips and my tongue following my fingers. Lowering from your face, passing your neck… How do you feel? How do you smell? How do you taste? Would you want me to taste you? How does your heartbeat feel, if I kiss your neck? Would you allow me, no, would you want me to go lower? To cross your body, touch it and feel it and see how it responds to me… How do you breathe, if I put my palms to your chest and wait for every inhale, every exhale, while I look into your eyes? If I kiss you, can I feel it in your belly? Does your body talk to me, even if your words don’t? If I travel south, does it tell me what you like, what you want, even if you don’t say it? Would your eyes show me? If I’d touch and kiss, how would you respond? Would you say the same as your eyes, your breath, your heartbeat, your body? Oh, I believe those would all tell me… But would your words say the same? Because I’d talk to your soul and your body with my fingers, my breath, my lips, my tongue. How would you respond?

Alenka H., 2021

Let me kiss your fingers,
fingers that touch my body,
fingers that bristle my hair,
fingers that search the sparkles,
fingers that invite me to you.

Let me kiss your mouth,
mouth that warm my skin,
mouth that moisture my dreams,
mouth that caress my shivering,
mouth that invite me to you.

Let me kiss your body,
body that is pressed to mine,
body that dances with mine,
body that unites with mine,
body that invites me to you.

Let me kiss you,
let me love you,
oh, love you,
you, your body,
you, the whole you,
you, here and now,
and let us become
the answer to why.

Alenka H., around 2000, translation

Maybe I would fight for more,
maybe I would.
But I’m too broken, too tired,
I’m too worn out,
and all I want to do now
is sit under this tree
until it comes back to dust
and takes me with it.

I pray for the lighting
to strike once again,
this time with fire
that burns out the bones.
I know, from the ashes
a new tree will grow,
and I’ll find my peace
as food for it’s fruit.

Alenka H., 2021

So many lifetimes searching for you…

I thought that by now I have payed off my debt,

I thought I earned my absolution,

my redemption, my… life.

Another lifetime has passed

and I’m still searching for you,

each time more tired, each time more weak.

Each lifetime a day and eternity,

each life is the truth and the pain.

Each moment too much, as I’m searching for you.

Alenka H., 2023

I do not miss you.
Saying I miss you
could never describe
what I am feeling.
Missing you would never
consume me so much,
hurt me so much,
suffocate me so much,
kill me so much.
So no, I don’t miss you.
…
Do you ever miss me?

Alenka H., 2021

There is peace in surrendering,
comfort in letting go.
Numbness is blissful,
and easy, and calm.
Where there are no expectations,
no hopes, and no cries,
in absence of feelings
perhaps truth can be found.
It may not be happiness,
but that’s quite alright.
No words left to say.
In silence, at last, I can disappear.

Alenka H., 2022

The warrior in me
wanted to hate you.

But she cannot stand up anymore,
it is one wound too deep,
one scar too much.

Alenka H., 2022

Is it the truth
If I never say it out loud?
If I never confess it,
Can it be undone?
Hidden in plane sight,
With no-one to see,
Yet yearning for anyone
That would make it be.
It’s never enough,
It’s always too much,
Sweet little pain
And masked tears of fear.

Alenka H., 2021

I hear you thinking so hard, she whispered, hoping she would not scare him away.

I hear you listening to me, he answered, building a wall.

Tell me, she begged.

Okay, he gave in. What we just shared, what does it mean?

What do you want it to mean, she asked, carefully hoping.

Nothing, he answered, shielding and hiding and backing away.

Then that’s what it was, she told him.

To her it was everything but.

Alenka H., 2023

She yelled.
I just cried.

She made us gin-tonic.
We drank.
We survived.

It isn’t a poem.
It is just life.

Alenka H., 2022

I wish I was still
that woman that met you.
At night she had stars
in her eyes.
She was the moon
to your sun
and you were a river
filling her sea.

I am no longer
that woman that you met.
The silence between us
is no longer warm.
It’s hollow and empty
and chill and it hurts.

The words are no longer our gift,
we no longer make love by their side.

I will never again be
that woman that met you.
She is lost,
to me and to you.

Alenka H., 2021-2022

Jealous whispers are telling me
if only I would be thinner, prettier, younger,
if only I would be gentle and free
you would love me.
If I’d use my make-up,
if I did my hair,
if I’d wear sexy dresses
and tempting underwear
you would love me.
If I’d cook you dinner
and iron your shirts,
if I’d let you party
and wait for you
you would love me.

Oh, stupid whispers.
You’d never love me.
I’d never be perfect enough.

Alenka H., 2022

It’s only when you sleep and dream
that I come and touch you.
I sing to you when you don’t hear it,
I trace your lines over and over again.
It’s only when you are not aware
that I come and caress your lips.
I lie by your side and smooth your dreams
and I cover your body with mine to keep you warm.

There will be time, I know,
when I won’t come again.
Each time I try to stay away
a little bit longer.

You won’t know I’ve stopped
sleeping beside you,
just as you don’t know now
that I come and share my love.

Alenka H., 2021