See! I said to my heart. I knew we will end up in tears.
It smiled watery smile. Yes, but we loved! It was worth it.
Alenka H., 2023
See!
Category: Dragon
Accepting loneliness
It took me a long time to admit and accept that I crave love. I was used to thinking I should not, because I have enough. And that it’s somehow very wrong to be so “needy”.
I took me even longer to accept it’s ok. It’s part of me. It’s who I am. Some people are loners. Some people thrive in crowds. Some are more introverts, some more extroverts. Some want lots of hugs, others not. All of that is all right – and so is me craving love.
It took me even longer to accept that I cannot change that part of me. I’ve tried. I’ve tried to stop hoping. Or dreaming. I’ve failed again and again. Because it’s who I am. Not all I am. But part of who I am.
It is ironic how it was almost easier to accept dark parts of me. The anger that sometimes lifts it’s head. The self-destructive tendencies I have. The insecurities I carry. The fears. The destruction I can cause. The strength that can become too much. The weakness too. It was hard to admit that all that is part of me too – especially anger and destruction. To admit and accept it is actually harder that to tame it, I’ve learned. But in the end I’ve accepted that parts too. I do not allow them to take over. But I know they are part of me, and we work.
Now I’m learning to accept the loneliness I feel. To accept and no longer fight it. To accept and live with it. Parts of me will probably forever hope, but I’m learning to embrace it nevertheless. For me that’s the next step of accepting myself.
I must allow myself to feel. Yes, I must allow. Because it’s just me who has the right to allow myself to feel anything and everything I feel. And even express it.
I speak and write a lot about what I feel, the emotions we label “negative”. Sadness, pain, sorrow, fear, loneliness. I do. I do not accept the society’s norms that allow expressing just “positive” emotions, and even those just as long as they are tamed, and god forbid to express anything “too much”. Well, that’s ok, if you feel like that. It’s also ok if you don’t. It should be equally ok to laugh and cry. To say you are not ok, if that’s how you feel.
That never means I think all is black, that I feel just “negative”, that I’m whining, or complaining, that I blame the world for all the misery, it doesn’t even mean I am miserable. Sometimes I’m happy, sometimes sad. Sometimes I’m both at the same time. I just want to allow myself to feel it all, and (with consideration to others!) to express it.
At the same time I love people around me, appreciate them, and also admit and accept I’m lonely, because for me it’s not mutually exclusive. I can appreciate family bonds, and some kinds of friendship, and still crave different kind of connection.
Perhaps in time I’ll stop craving it. I choose not to dwell into that. Not yet, perhaps. For now I’m learning to accept my feeling and live with it. It’s enough.
Because I honestly believe the emotions we don’t face, accept, admit, express, have way more power over us that those we do. In most cases it does us no good.
Alenka H., 2023
Do not believe
Do not believe them, my love.
Do not believe, when they say
they didn’t know.
They knew every time that you broke,
each time that you could not breathe,
they were aware of each hurt
and each pain you felt.
Do not believe them
that they didn’t see.
They saw every teardrop,
they observed every scar.
Each time you collapsed,
when you struggled, they saw.
Do not believe their excuses,
that they didn’t hear.
They heard all your silences,
they heard all your screams,
they heard when you sang as a prayer,
they heard when you begged.
Do not believe them, my love.
One day those lies will matter no more.
Alenka H., 2023
Perhaps, in a lifetime
Perhaps, in a lifetime,
we’ll meet again.
You’ll say that I look fine,
I’ll say you’re too kind.
I’ll ask if your happy,
you’ll say we all try.
I’ll try not to see it,
and you’ll try to hide
the longing between us,
remaining through time.
I’ll ask about your life,
you’ll ask about mine,
us both saying casual
“Oh, it’s quite all right.”
You’ll tell me you’re married,
I’ll say I have kids,
and we’ll both be so careful
not to admit
how we wanted these years
to spend side by side.
Perhaps, in a lifetime,
we’ll get to pass by,
merely as strangers
whose hearts have both died.
Alenka H., 2021-2022
Music and poetry
Good poetry tastes like music.
Good music sounds like poetry.
Poetry that sings and music that speaks.
That’s what I love about both: when I can’t draw a line, because it touches me deep, smooths my waves and nourishes my soul.
Alenka H., 2023
I hope one day
I hope one day
I will be your poem.
You are mine today.
Alenka H., 2022
Drinking wine
In a time long long ago
in a land far far away
fairytales still lived.
And a little girl believed
in dragons and in magic and in… love.
Times have changed.
Rivers carried years to the sea
and stars were born and turned to dust.
Dragons died, fairies flew away.
Princes now wear shields
just to hide behind them.
Heroes are too tired to save anyone.
Magic has vanished.
And the girl?
She’s a woman
who reads sad love poems,
drinks wine
and pretends she never believed anyway.
Alenka H., 2023
Frozen
My fingers were frozen,
but not as much as his heart.
Alenka H., 2023
Like a taste of salt in the wind
You knew I was coming
long before we first met.
My promise was there
like a taste of salt in the wind,
unmistakable and undeniable.
Now I’m here and you’re playing on my strings
the sweetest song that has ever been played.
Alenka H., 2023
Unlove
I taught you how to love,
when you thought you’d never again.
When I thought my love was forever
you showed me I can unlove as well.
I surprised you by being
far better student than you.
Alenka H., 2023
Sun
Sun were strolling over me…
And that drop, with which I wished to extinguish you…
That drop, me, from me –
and you shone again.
You woke my dreams
with your burning, sticky rays
that ripen me.
Sun, I’ll stroll over you,
I’ll drink you up, I’ll take you.
Now you’ve taken me…
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
He is not beside you
So many tears…
with nothing left to wash away.
Nobody wants them,
my tears –
but I cannot carry them anymore.
It hurts too much.
I don’t want to wake up anymore.
Not alone, without you,
to give you my tears.
I woke up –
and my first thought was:
it’s not worth it. He is not beside you.
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
Regret
He asked
if I regret it.
But I could never regret
making love one more time!
Alenka H., 2023
One day
Beneath all the ashes
there’s still spark of life.
My water is burning
in hidden depths.
I allowed suffocation
again and again.
It is time that I rise,
that I fly and I dare.
Perhaps not today.
Maybe not even tomorrow.
But one day. One day.
Alenka H., 2023
One night
For one more night
I’ll dare to hope.
I brake the chains
I wrapped around my heart
and I’ll let it sing and dance
and wish and dream.
For one more night
I’ll allow it to hope.
To believe in the magic
and miracles and joy.
For one more night
I’ll let it fly
free and young and healed again.
Just for one night.
Alenka H., 2022
Sharp (s)words
Words can heal and words can kill. Sometimes its easy to see if a word is a weapon or a cure. But some words seem so innocent, yet cut so deep.
One of those is “nothing.” Painful emptiness and cold. It’s just nothing.
Alenka H., 2023
Dragon & Cat
We wish you all the best in 2023! With love, Alenka
Like you want
Love like you want to be loved.
Touch like you want to be touched.
Alenka H., 2022
If
My poems are tears,
my poems are cries.
My poems are prayers,
my poems are pain.
My poems are me begging for help,
my poems are me asking to be heard.
If anyone would read them, they’d know.
Alenka H., 2022
Body, Soul
You offered your body,
but I wanted your soul.
I wanted the flesh and the blood
and scent of your mind.
I wanted to taste all your dreams
and to swallow your fears.
So I’ll take your body,
and I’ll steal your soul
to feed mine with it.
Alenka H., 2022