A blend of prose and poetry, diary and thoughts on life, universe and all in between.
Don’t speak.
In silence the feeling is stronger.
Don’t say the words.
They’ve awoken the hope
That should be left dormant.
Your choice spoke so loud,
Your acts screamed each time.
I don’t want the drug
Of your words.
There is truth
I must see.
Don’t make me forget it.
Don’t break me again.
Alenka H., 2021
Just for a little while
I’ll hold on to you.
I cannot let you go,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while
I want to love you,
I cannot loose you,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while
I have to have you,
I don’t want to be alone,
not yet, not yet.
Just for a little while…
Alenka H., 2021
Let’s go into the world
While it is young and gentle.
Let’s go
While thoughts cannot cut us yet.
Let’s go
While words are too sleepy.
And when the world grows nails
Let’s hide.
When people wake up
Hold me close to you,
Strongly, so that the awakened bustle doesn’t reach me.
Make me warm, when I’m cold…
Please…
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
It’s a simple court,
the judge with no ears,
the accused with no mouth,
no jury, no trial.
It is a simple sentence,
no mercy, not kind,
no right for appeal,
served with no delay.
It’s a simple punishment,
executed with a smile,
it’s justice, I’m told,
whipping the heart.
Alenka H., 2023
I sense you in every raindrop,
It smells like your smile.
The trees offer me your touch.
Every flower whispers your name.
Every pebble, every rock, is
A fragment of our dreams.
There is nothing, nothing at all
That would allow me
To forget your absence.
Alenka H., 2021
I wish we would normalize needing others.
We are taught we must be strong. We are taught we must be tough. We are taught we must stand on our own, find strength in ourselves.
Yes, I agree with all of that. But that is only one part of life. Please, let’s teach, normalize and learn the other half too. It’s time to say it is all right to need others too. To want others. To need help, support, encouragement, love.
We are humans, we are social beings. We are not here to learn to be alone, to practice solitude, detachment, to learn being lone wolfs, distant stars, or passing strangers. It is all right to want this, there is nothing wrong about that. Even more, we all need time with ourselves, silence and solitude, peace and self-discovery. We should know how to be alone from time to time. We should know that in us is the power and the magic of the whole universe.
But, and this is so so important, we are not here just to learn all this, we are not part of this world to be separated from it. There are worlds where we can learn that. This is not one of them. This is the world where we learn how to be together. To cooperate. To support each other. To help and be helped. To give and receive. To love and be loved.
I see so many of us being almost (or not just almost…) ashamed of feeling this – of wanting someone beside us. We are told we don’t need anyone and that it is not healthy to depend. We are told not to be weak, or needy, or so stupidly emotional.
It is not weak to be human. It’s brave to want to love after heart was broken before, to want to give when it was disappointed before, to want to connect when it was left before. Solitude can be a choice, but it is not what the purpose of being human is. Our mission is to grow together. We are like trees – some stand alone and defy and resist the forces that want to break them, teaching us about the silent power within. Most grow in groups. They communicate. Touch. Sometimes intertwine.
So let’s normalize not wanting to be alone. We are not meant to be alone. We are meant to love and be loved, in love’s many magnificent, wonderful, magical forms.
Alenka H., 2023
I don’t even need to close my eyes
To feel the warmth of your kiss
Or the softness of your touch
Pretending I’m with you
Cradling in your lap
Close to your heart
So close, so close
I’m almost inside you.
Alenka H., 2021
It shouldn’t hurt so much,
the air should not be poison,
making holes in my lungs
every breath in and out.
Or maybe it should,
reminding me that I still feel,
I’m still alive
even when I wish I wasn’t.
Alenka H., 2021
I saw a dead face staring at me.
It scared me with it’s
dead eyes
and dead mouth
and dead skin.
It scared me with it’s
emptiness
and despair
and exhaustion.
What scared me the most
was the fact that is was
staring at me
from the mirror.
Alenka H., 2023
I saw a spark.
Remembering the smell of our fire
I closed my eyes,
never seeing
the spark was from a gun.
Will you ever visit my grave?
Alenka H., 2022
I closed my eyes
hoping it would silence
the sound of your betrayal
and the taste of my guilt.
Alenka H., 2022
I’m counting the grains of the sand in the desert,
each one is a kiss on your body.
I sift the drops in the sea between my fingers,
each one is a moment, when you’re in my thoughts.
With breathing of universe my love for you is expanding.
Every cloud in the sky, forming and disappearing,
is dreams of your touch.
How am I supposed not to groom this tree of our souls?
Alenka H., 2021, translation
I want to fall asleep
not to see or hear a thing
for as many years as it takes
for you to come my way.
And if you never do
that is alright too,
I don’t really mind
as long as I don’t wake up.
Alenka H., 2023
I’m saying a silent goodbye.
I’m sending you my last embrace,
my last kiss,
my last heartbeat for you.
May it keep you warm.
Even when I’m gone
it will stay with you,
a part of you
you won’t even notice.
Alenka H., 2021
I’m cold.
I sleep in my socks.
Why the hell don’t you come and warm me up???
You know I prefer to sleep naked.
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
I dream us
on early summer mornings
when the breeze is still sweet and fresh
sitting on the stairs
each with a cup of black coffee
inhaling the rich air
and silent love between us.
I dream us
on cloudless nights
looking at the starts
making up stories about them
and waiting for shooting stars
to wish us another day together.
I dream us
on cold rainy evening
together under a blanket
perhaps talking, perhaps not
it does not really matter
because all we need is us.
I dream us
laughing at children and dogs and the birds
marvelling at the beauties
and soothing the thorns
and we reach out and touch
and life is good again.
I dream us
as they told me I shouldn’t
because only when I dream us
we are still alive
and our death is too much to bear
while we are still breathing .
Alenka H., 2023
Sail with me, beloved!
I poured myself into you
and your blossom smells by my side now.
Alenka H., 2000-2010, translation
The hunger that’s eating me,
The thirst that is draining me:
This longing for human touch
That I always craved oh so much.
Alenka H., 2023
Written as an answer to Diane Luise Davis‘s prompt in Poetry Therapy Group on FB. With her permisson I’m sharing her verse:
I am wondering if my friends are mad at me,
Diane Luise Davis, Top of my mind
A thought that often comes up,
I don’t ever think they may be glad of me,
A thought that would fill joy’s cup.
You saw even feelings as images.
I felt even images.
I wanted to write a letter to you.
But there is no you,
and there are no words.
Alenka H., 2022
Thank you for all the moments when thought of you made me less lonely.
And thank you for making me see how lonely I am.
Thank you for showing me hope.
And thank you for not encouraging it.
Thank you for all the sweet words.
And thank you for all the painful lessons I’ve learnt knowing you.
Thank you for allowing me be me.
And thank you for being you.
I cannot thank you for what was not… I wish I could.
Alenka H., 2023